All I can say is congratulations
and I need a new governess.
(laughter)
Marguerite, finally.
I expected at least a lion.
Well, it wasn't that type of hunt, Mrs. Mandible.
Meet Sergio.
Oh.
(laughter)
(coughs) - Mr. Jobless! But you're dead.
Chauncey.
(audience gasps)
This is gonna suck.
Actors are bad enough, but fucking community theater...
it's like a delusion of a delusion.
(laughs) Penelope has pictures of her husband with Mrs. Mandible,
so now she can marry Mr. Dauntless.
If you were disguised as the maid the whole time,
where is Fatima?
(audience gasps)
Colonel Bay was Fatima in disguise.
I did a show here once. It was cool. You just gotta get in the right mindset.
Like pretending it's 100 years ago
and anyone gives a shit about theater?
While we're at it, why don't we go check out
the epic poetry chant at the agora.
All the couples end up happily matched.
Oh, Fatima and the governess are making out.
Holy shit.
(theme music playing)
(ragtime piano playing)
- Hey. - Hey. God, I'm so sorry.
My audition went, like, really long.
It's all right. You didn't miss much.
Oh, you did miss a delightful little farce.
Oh good, 'cause I fucking hate farce.
Really? 'Cause given our relationship,
I'd have guessed you love it.
I'm sorry I made a pass at you, Henry.
- No no no, it's... - I really really am.
You were totally right. I treated you badly last year.
- No. - And then I get into a hot tub
for two seconds and I lose all of my common sense.
No no. Well, yes.
Right. I blame alcohol.
- Fucking alcohol. Why is it legal? - I don't know.
- That's my question. - I was thinking about that.
It's like if only our representatives
would pass a law banning alcohol,
none of this shit would ever happen.
Yeah, and there'd be less organized crime.
Totally. None of that big-band jazz.
Right, none of those annoying flapper people
- that are everywhere these days. - Gone, yeah.
Okay, so since we're doing shtick again, does that mean that...?
Yeah, we're cool.
Okay.
Wait, did you... did you tell anybody about what happened?
Like, am I gonna walk in there and be shunned as a harlot?
- It's our little secret. - It is.
I mean, if you're shunned, it'll just be for the usual reasons.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm a Jew. - Yeah.
And then the audience couldn't stop laughing.
Cool. Great. There you go.
- You were simply magnificent. - No, you were magnificent.
- Oh. - As were you, also magnificent.
And the others... magnificent.
Ha ha ha, so you were all magnificent,
which means statistically magnificent is average
and you were all average.
There you are. Congratulations.
Everyone, everyone, if I could just... thank you.
Thank you. Grazie. Grazie.
As you all know, I am Leland Cork,
director of the Lyre of Orpheus Theater.
I would just like to say congratulations
to the cast and crew of "Not on Your Wife"
for a brilliant opening night.
You are all simply magnificent.
Woman: Hear hear!
Leland: I'd also like to thank everyone else
for your magnificent support of the Lyre of Orpheus Theater.
It is only through your generous donations
that we are able to ensure as always
that the show must go on.
We all humbly thank you
and encourage you to write just one more check, of course.
No no no, seriously, let us fill our glasses,
toast our players
and all get drunk
on theater!
(ragtime piano playing)
Angela, David. Brava.
Mona, Mona, house manager, savior.
A magnificent show, Mr. Cork.
Yes, the toilet's backed up again.
Could you possibly fix it?
On the parapet at midnight
I see the ghost of Kyle Bradway.
You thatch-headed wastrel, come here.
- How have you been? - Oh, so good,
you know, just working my way up, doing my thing.
Oh, splendid. Splendid.
We launched this boy from this very stage.
Fresh off the bus, I cast him
as Longshoreman in "A View from the Bridge."
A casting director sees him, puts him on television.
And ever since... whoosh!
Oh well.
Gordon Babalah!
Come here, you bald-headed wastrel.
Well, I think you're better off without Paul, Casey.
Hey, now you're single, I'm single.
It's like look out, world, two cougars on the prowl.
Yeah, except that I wouldn't call myself a cougar, but...
No, don't run yourself down like that.
You're a sleek, sexy wild cat on the prowl.
No, cougar is like a slang term for...
for a woman of a certain age who goes after younger men.
- That's a cougar. - It is? Really?
- Yeah. - Huh.
What about "bear"? That's not slang for anything.
"Bear" is slang for a large, hairy gay man.
Well, that explains a lot.
I'm gonna have to change my online dating profile.
Hey, as soon as you can with those, okay, guys?
- Yeah. - Where's Ron?
Ron is indisposed.
Okay, well, then when you get a sec, Casey,
can you help me get the white wine backstage?
- Aye aye. - Well, if anyone catches your eye
tonight, let me know. I'm a great wingman.
Eh, just no actors.
How about a former actor?
Maybe you should get back with Henry, huh?
- No. - Did you think about it? No?
Love him and leave him? Been there, done that?
- He has a girlfriend. And no. - Does he have a big one?
- Does he? Tell me. I always... - Jesus. Ron!
- Yeah? - What is that?
Oh, a little light bathroom reading... "Management Secrets of the CIA."
There.
Now how come there are so many
ding-a-ling actor/model/producers in this town
and so few down-to-earth achievers
who just want to make something of themselves?
We're a rare breed, Lydia.
(Lydia chuckles)
(chuckles)
Excuse me.
- I heard what's next. - Mm!
- "Glengarry Glen Ross." - Ooh.
- What's your name? - Fuck you, that's my name.
I don't know. I don't speak actor.
I thought all you guys were actors.
No, some of us pursue more useful work.
- You're an engineer. - Nope, he's a writer.
- Oh. - Hey, I need a single-malt neat.
We're out. I hid some in the office.
Woman: A writer?
Great Scott, writer. Let me buy you a drink.
Why?
You make us exist. In the theater, the writer is God.
God?
Oh Kyle.
Be a good chap, give us that.
Oh yeah. Is everything okay?
Oh, it's just, you know, Nina flirting.
Oh my God, is your wife having an affair?
Mm, oh, no no no.
But you know actresses.
They always require bucketloads of adoring attention,
which I can't always provide because I'm too busy
stroking the other actors, the crew, the audiences,
just trying to keep this rat trap from falling apart.
I feel like Atlas supporting the world on my shoulders.
You know, it seems like you're doing a pretty good job.
Seems? Ah, yes yes.
There's the rub, dear boy.
The fact is we're broke.
- Man. - Yes, usually
Marguerite Tayler writes us a check for 10 grand.
But this year... zip.
Dude, I am so sorry.
Oh Kyle, I'm the only realist
among this starry-eyed group of dreamers.
I'll be fine. It's them I'm worried about.
This theater... it's the only taste they get.
Without that check they're just
legal assistants and librarians again.
Mm, you cannot give up.
What's that saying you came up with? The show must go on.
I didn't exactly coin that phrase.
I'll convince Marguerite. That casting director
didn't exactly cast me because I rocked onstage.
I convinced her
in the back seat of her Range Rover.
Oh Kyle,
you thatch-headed devil.
All right, Marguerite... what's she look like?
- A red blouse... - Right.
...brown hair, big personality. You can't miss her.
- If you can pull this off... - I'm on it.
(chuckles)
Yeah, it's ridiculous. She's gone on, like, 10 blind dates
with gay guys who look like Rob Reiner.
All enthusiastic to discuss Escapade's dance wardrobe?
- You're such a fucking homophobe. - What?
- Marguerite Tayler. - Casey, right?
- Yeah, Casey Klein. - Right. Hi.
- Hi. - How are you?
I am really good now.
Keeping out of trouble?
Well, you know, trying to.
- Not succeeding, I hope? - No.
I'm actually even considering not trying at all anymore.
Oh. Well, I don't.
I know. I mean, I assume.
Yeah, well...
It's great seeing you, Casey.
You too.
Hey.
Don't stay out of trouble.
Okay.
Yeah, so imagine Lydia and Rob Reiner
just talking about tween fashions all night.
I mean, what did the hairy gay guy even expect, you know?
Unless "cougar" means something gay.
- Uh, what the hell was that? - What?
What? I've never seen someone flirt so outrageously.
I thought you were gonna date-rape her or something.
What? No, that's Marguerite Tayler.
It's just I went to this bar
and then it turned out to be like a lesbian karaoke bar.
- They have those? - Yes, they have. Lesbians love karaoke.
- Okay. - And she's also a producer at Warners
and she makes a whole bunch of comedies.
So, you know, she thinks I'm kind of cute and she thinks I'm gay,
so I flirt with her so that she'll cast me in something.
Okay, well, I have to say it made me a little uncomfortable.
What are you even talking about?
I thought guys were supposed to find that kind of thing hot.
No. I mean, you know, if you were big-titted twins maybe.
Oh, you men
with your deep-rooted fear of female sexuality.
Well, more of a disgust, really.
Fear I have for other kinds of sexuality
being weirdly shoved in my face.
Hey man, maybe this is more your speed.
Wow.
Yeah, that's much better.
Although I still can see your crudely wanton ankles.
Check these out. I'm wearing my push-up socks.
- Oh really? - Very sexual.
Whoa.
- I'm sorry. - That's okay.
- No, I'm doing... - No, I don't care. It's okay.
I'm doing it again. I'm sorry.
Henry: No.
I mean, in the interest of full disclosure...
Yeah?
...I was also uncomfortable the other night
because I was really...
Tempted.
Yeah.
Whew. So um...
Henry, we also need red...
Hi, Lydia. Red wine?
Yeah.
Okay, yeah, we have some here. No problem.
- Okay, thanks. I'll bring it out, yeah? - Sorry. Okay.
- All right? - Yeah, sure thing.
- Okay, we have to stop this. - I know, I know, I know.
Aside from the fact that it's wrong, if anybody found out...
I know. It's a mess, a disaster. I get it. I understand. Okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
...a maniac.
Oh, but I hear they're doing "Glengarry,"
which should be an absolute coup.
(laughs) Marguerite, I presume?
Why, yes.
Well, it looks like you need another drink. White wine, right?
Well, I already have this one.
Well, it looks like you need another.
And the whole world is humanoid replicants
except for one last guy...
one last man who has to blend in,
or else he'll too be sent to the processor farms.
This is so juicy.
A human being forced to repress
all that makes him human.
And that's his whole life,
alone, hunted by machines.
The creator being replaced by the creation.
Where would you even begin to find
the sense memory to build the performance?
Barkeep, would you be so kind to provide...
- Marguerite. ...with a white wine?
- Wine. - All: To wine.
One of the earliest products of human civilization.
There you go.
- Kyle: Thank you, good sir. - Ooh, I like it.
I know, me too. It's a great place, huh?
- Yeah, you know, I got my start here. - Oh yeah?
Yeah, it'd be a shame to see a place like this vanish.
- Aww. - What would it take
for someone like you to write a check to this little theater?
- Do you really want me to tell you? - So bad.
- It's complicated. - Oh.
- And naughty. - Ooh.
Then I guess you don't need to tell me.
Hey Henry, let me ask you something.
Yeah?
What do you think of Lydia?
I mean, as a woman.
You mean, like you and Lydia?
Yeah, we're both single, lonely people.
I mean, she said I was a catch. I caught her checking out my ass.
And you clearly have no problem with workplace romance, so...
Um, you know, as team leader,
if you tell me about this I have to write a report.
So I can't listen.
Copy that. Copy that.
- Casey. - Yeah?
Let me ask you something:
If you were me and you caught Lydia
just like feasting her eyes on your ass...
I left my comb backstage.
- That's great. - This is like a dream I had.
Oh, which is another thing that's so great about the theater,
because like, you know, here dreams become...
(both moaning)
Oh!
It is naughty.
(gasps) And complicated.
Oh, another day, another dollar.
- Hello, Lydia. - Hello, Ron.
A fresh tray just for you.
Oh, wasn't that thoughtful of you?
Oh hey, have you seen Casey?
Casey left her comb backstage. Why?
Oh, just a little girl talk, you know?
- Girls talking. - Yeah.
Well, be seeing you.
Yeah, not if I see you first.
Pardon me?
Not if I see you first.
Oh, right.
Lydia,
not if I see you first.
(giggles)
(chuckles)
Casey, Casey, finally. You'll never believe what l...
(moaning) No, beast, no.
Filthy, disgusting. Whoo! Whoo! (laughs)
(laughs) The author is drunk.
- (laughter) - Roman: This is so interesting,
'cause the first dramas were associated with Dionysian rituals
which involved alcohol and pansexual frenzy.
Pansexual frenzy!
Ha ha! Pansexual frenzy.
Grr.
Be careful. He's a total cougar.
What does that mean?
(crowd laughing)
So I rush to the wings where Oliver here...
- Is fast asleep. - Is fast asleep, of course, as usual.
But the show must go on.
So I think what I'll do is I'll shout "Bang!"
Well, the cue for the gunshot comes. Oliver falls off his stool.
The broom hits the floor... bang! No one ever knew.
Oh God, my teeth hurt from grinning.
Well, the show must go on.
Oh Kyle, you dirty, devilish, useful boy.
$50?
- 50 bucks? - Wait a minute,
this check's from Donna Mullens. She's one of our actresses.
No no no, brown hair, red blouse... her name is Marguerite, right?
No, that's the character she plays,
whom we named after a woman we want us to write a check for 10 grand.
- God. - Her.
Kyle: Her? No, that is not brown.
- That is light brown. - What?
Casey, what color is her hair right there?
Uh, hazelnut.
Leland: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Look, she's eye-fucking your brains out as we speak.
Go go go.
- Daryl, you were absolutely delicious. - Thank you.
Casey, I've been dying to gossip.
- Why? - So Henry's not so taken after all.
No no, you have the wrong idea.
First I see him making out backstage with the leading lady.
- And then I see... - Wait wait wait.
I'm sorry, which leading lady?
The pretty one in the veil thing.
My wife!
Fuck.
What just happened?
You were great in "Misery."
(laughing)
White wine.
What say ye, God of Wine?
What say the Lord of Revels?
She shall receive...
- red wine! - Red wine!
It is red wine!
- I wanted... I wanted white. - Red!
He speaks it, so it shall be.
He says it shall be red, red as blood. It is red.
Roman: You forgot your wine.
Hey, Henry.
- What the fuck is that? - I have no idea.
(laughing)
- Okay, listen, there's a problem. - What?
Thanks to Lydia, the theater director guy thinks
that you were making out with his wife backstage.
- What? - Yeah, it's bad.
He's gonna, like, kill her or kill himself or I don't know.
Shit.
I'll see you later.
Marguerite, I presume?
Looks like you need another drink.
- Vodka tonic? - This is soda water, actually.
Oh, soda water... effervescent.
Hence the name, yes.
Because you need a little thrill.
Because I need to drive home later.
Oh, so you drive stick or...?
- A Prius. - For the environment.
Yeah, totally, doing what nature intended. I love that.
Actually, it's for the carpooling sticker.
I'm sorry, I find this baffling.
Hello, Marguerite. Have you seen where Nina went?
No, I haven't.
Hey, Mr. Cork. Hi. Can we talk to you?
Yes, Henry. Right right, yes.
You'd like to compare notes on kissing my wife?
No, actually there's been a big misunderstanding.
Oh, what's to misunderstand?
You were backstage making out with my wife!
Okay, I was backstage, but I wasn't with your wife, actually.
Hi hi. Magnificent party.
Right, Henry?
Okay, can we talk to you in private, please?
Kyle: I don't get it, you know? I tried everything...
the looks, the double entendres, and nothing.
Well, some women like the direct approach, you know?
Just step up, look 'em in the eye and make your move.
- Yeah, seems a little crude. - Some women like it.
Kyle: All right.
Right?
Sure.
There's all kinds of women.
And all kinds of men.
Oh boy, you can say that again.
Hi.
Mm!
- Oh Lydia. - (muffled screaming)
Oh Lydia.
(both screaming)
Stop!
Stop, Lydia!
Stop it, Lydia, stop it!
Ron, what are you doing?
You called me an achiever.
You said you wanted somebody to step up and make a move.
You checked out my ass.
There was frosting on your pants.
It's gone. It's gone.
- Oh God. - Oh gosh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It was a misunderstanding. - It was a total misunderstanding.
- Yeah. Oh God. - Yeah.
- It's kind of funny, I guess. - It is funny.
I feel bad.
Let's keep this our little secret.
Yeah yeah, let's not let anybody in on this one.
It'll be our little secret. That's a really good idea.
Have you guys seen the bottle opener?
- Uh, we were just... - Talking.
Thank you.
You know, it says "Do not rub or apply salves."
So don't do that.
I don't know what a salve is.
(moaning)
Yes, Lydia did see me backstage kissing someone in the costume.
And the point of dragging me back here
for this roundabout exposition?
- We're trying to keep a secret. - Yeah, and if you consider
the spirit of the play you're doing, I think you'll find it
very much in the spirit of the...
okay, I was kissing someone in the veil,
but it wasn't your wife, you see?
- It was... - Another actress.
- Hey. - Hi. I was just...
- Nina. - Oh hi, Leland.
Hi. Looking for someone else to make out with?
Henry: No no no. See, it wasn't her.
Sorry. The bathroom's backed up again.
You see, that's what's funny... she didn't make out with anyone backstage.
- The woman in the veil... - It was some straight actress
whose face is probably all scuffed up from the stubble.
At least deny that you were backstage
making out with some random person.
(sighs)
Marguerite is not a random person.
(gasps)
- Her? - We hang out all the time.
It's so obvious. How could you not know?
I thought you were getting her to write a check.
At ladies' karaoke night?
Oh, I'm sorry. Since when did ladies' karaoke night
become lesbian scissoring night? Jesus, Nina.
Like you haven't been having your own affair,
all those late nights at the theater.
Yes, trying to keep us afloat.
She's obviously in love with you.
Mona? That's preposterous.
Well, that's a shame, because I am moving in with Marguerite.
You would leave me for the woman
who has doomed the Lyre of Orpheus? This theater is your life.
Your life, Leland. Open your eyes.
There you are, beautiful.
(women laugh)
What's so funny?
Nothing.
(theme music playing)
Marguerite is gay.
I know. It's like all these little misunderstandings
adding up to this tragic ending.
Um, the toilet's fixed, Mr. Cork.
Doesn't matter now.
We're broke. The theater's done for.
The theater? It can't.
How much do you need?
Mona, you're a legal secretary.
We need $10,000.
I have $11,000.
(coughs)
Ho ho ho, somebody had a wild night.
I thought we weren't gonna say anything.
No, nothing happened with us in the kitchen.
I was talking about Henry backstage.
Backstage?
Henry, I thought we weren't gonna say anything.
L... wait.
- But l... - Did you...?
How did...? No, I didn't... You... I thought... You...
He... He said... You... You...
Mona: Whoo!
The theater is saved!
The Lyre of Orpheus lives!
The show will go on!
Magicifent!
(theme music playing)